


you don’t love me the same

by thistlestars



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Missing Scene, Self-Reflection, Set vaguely at some point in the Broken Code arc, Several thousand words of me giving Dovewing justice and stronger characterization, ShadowClan (Warriors), ThunderClan (Warriors), Tigerheart isn’t really here but she thinks about him a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:46:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27965519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thistlestars/pseuds/thistlestars
Summary: with the clans cut off from their ancestors, dovewing reflects on her past and her thoughts about starclan. there’s a multitude of reasons why she left thunderclan to join shadowclan— the prophecy, she thinks, caused far too many of them.title lyric taken from watch what happens next by waterparks
Relationships: Dovewing & Hollyleaf (Warriors), Dovewing & Lionblaze (Warriors), Dovewing/Tigerheart (Warriors)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	you don’t love me the same

_ If I hear one more cat wailing about how painful it is to think StarClan has abandoned us, I might just have to scream.  _ The thought was self-centered, Dovewing knew. She should be empathizing with her clanmates. Yet all she had felt, ever since the stars grew silent, was the bitter taste of words that she would never dare to speak aloud. 

_ StarClan abandoned me long ago.  _ If she was being honest, that was part of the reason she was even in ShadowClan to begin with. She tried to be a good, loyal ThunderClan warrior. She tried to be one of the Three, kin of Firestar's kin, to be a worthy wielder of the power of the stars.

What had she gotten for it? A lifetime of heartache and misery and feeling isolated from every single one of her peers. The moment they'd fullfilled their destinies, StarClan had stripped away their powers, without any consideration for the way it might affect them.

She'd spent moons after the Great Battle in a haze, disoriented and miserable, lost without the awareness of the world around her that she'd had ever since she was a  _ kit.  _ From the moment she opened her eyes and ears, Dovewing had only ever known how to navigate the world with the aid of her powers. Without them… the world had felt so distant. 

Dovewing hated to say she'd felt like she was deaf and blind, because even Jayfeather, whose eyes were truly, fully sightless, could navigate the forest without a single misstep. Longtail, blinded as a warrior, had still been more competent than she was after the battle first ended, after that horrible silence filled her ears and left her head spinning. 

She was able to hear and see exactly as well as any warrior, but it did her no good, when she'd been used to so much  _ more.  _ No other cat seemed to understand it. Or… almost no other.

Near the end of that leafbare, Lionblaze had nearly been killed because the seasons of muscle memory that told him how to fight had never once accounted for dodging the enemy's blows. He charged a fox without a second thought, the patrol he'd been with only barely managing to drag him back to camp before he would have bled out onto the forest floor and taken his last breath. 

Half a moon later, after he'd recovered enough to leave camp for short periods of time, he'd asked her to walk with him down to the lake. Lionblaze had been her mentor-- and never, in all the time he'd trained her and stood beside her, had she ever seen him look so exhausted.

The weather had been almost perfect, one of the first warm and sunny days that truly felt like it was beginning to turn to newleaf. Rays of light glittered on the lake's surface and warmed both of their pelts, while a cool breeze blowing towards them carried the misty scent of the water towards the two cats. Dovewing could hear gentle waves lap against the shore.

She ached for the previous newleaf, when it would have been accompanied by distant birdsong from the trees far behind them and the sound of flowing water making its way through the WindClan border stream. The faint outlines of a RiverClan patrol were just visible on the other side of the lakeshore. Instinctively, her ears twitched, and she strained to make out the sound of their voices, the shade of their pelts. When she couldn't, something inside her felt hollow.

"Do you remember the first time you got to see the lake when it was full?" Lionblaze asked, jolting Dovewing out of her own head and diverting her attention away from how quiet it all was.

"Of course," she replied, tucking her paws under her chest as a soft purr began to rumble from her throat. "We came back and it felt like the mission was such a failure… we were all tired and hungry and injured, and it felt awful to return without Rippletail. Then I saw how much  _ water  _ there was once we got rid of the beavers, and it suddenly seemed worth it."

"I was born seasons before the drought, but it felt the same for me, too. Like it was suddenly all worth it to see the lake full again, I mean." He hadn't looked at her as he spoke. "Do you ever feel like everything that made you feel accomplished that way… had to do with your power?"

Her mentor turned to face her, then, and she recognized the pained look in his eyes immediately. How could she not, when it was the same pain she felt so acutely herself?

"All the time," Dovewing had breathed in reply, her voice hushed to match the feeling of the answer, like the two of them were sharing a secret that nobody else in the world would even understand. "I've lived in ThunderClan my whole life, and now it's like I don't know the territory at all anymore. Not if I can't hear what's happening in it."

Lionblaze inhaled shakily. Then, he leaned close and nuzzled his face into her shoulder, his uneven breathing made tangible through the rise and fall of his chest against her fur. "It's like I'm useless now. What good am I now that I can't defend ThunderClan?"

"What good am I now that I'm no better a guard or a hunter than any of my clanmates?" Dovewing echoed, pressing herself against the golden tom in affectionate return. Neither of them had to answer each other's questions-- they'd both known. They weren't useless. But that didn't stop it from feeling exactly the same as it would have if they truly had no worth.

Both of them had fallen silent after that, no further words necessary. They'd sat by the lakeshore together for a long while, taking as much comfort from each other's company as they could before the pair of them returned to camp. 

The golden warrior, of course, had relearned his fighting skills. He sat in on Lilypaw and Seedpaw's training sessions a few times, offering himself up as an opponent to practice sparring with. After a few moons he'd lost his former clumsiness, having managed to quickly grasp how to adjust to the fact that he couldn't be so reckless anymore. 

There was never a way for Dovewing to relearn her senses, no matter how hard she tried, and ThunderClan territory never again felt like her home in the same way it did before she'd lost her powers. Ivypool would have said she was selfish for complaining. She should have been grateful that she could still see and hear, that she was still a perfectly fine warrior.

What Ivypool had never understood-- would never understand-- was the way that, when everyone around you learns that you're extraordinary, it becomes their expectation of you. ThunderClan had known Dovewing for being a brilliant hunter, for having keen observational skills, for always being the first to sense and alert them of approaching danger.

Bringing back mediocre catches from hunting patrols, after the battle, meant she could feel every clanmate's gaze turning to her. She could feel the judgement in their stares, the way that  _ average _ turnout from her was a letdown. These cats she'd grown up with, that she'd known all her life, had suddenly become impossible not to disappoint.

She was always so scared of disappointing them even when she  _ had  _ her powers. Back then, it was a terrifying kind of uncertainty that gripped her, the fear that when the time came to fulfil her destiny she would fail. Not even Jayfeather and Lionblaze knew everything about the prophecy. Worse, her role in it was inherited, taken on with Hollyleaf's shadow to try and fill.

The clan hadn't always known about the prophecy, but they had known that she was special. And that knowledge had weighed down her paws with every step forward that she dared to take.

From the moment she realized she was expecting kittens, her fears had never been of the uncertainty of what might happen. They were of the  _ certainty _ that the clan would guess who their father was; and the certainty that Dovewing would become a disappointment and a failure in their eyes. No, she could never have stayed in ThunderClan after she knew.

It hurt when Tigerheart decided he couldn't abandon his deputyship to come with her-- but she'd felt so much lighter anyways when she left the clans. She'd been free to do what  _ she  _ wanted to. No cat knew any of her personal history, and no cat had any expectations of her.

None of the guardian cats saw the ThunderClan warrior who once held the power of the stars in her paws. They just saw Dovewing, who was kind and hardworking and needed a place to stay where she could have and raise her kittens-- where she could raise them free from the influence of clan cats' biases and burdens, free from expectations or judgement. 

She'd thought of Hollyleaf as a near-mythological hero when she was an apprentice, before she ever met the molly herself. Hollyleaf was an ideal she could never reach, a flawless warrior, constructed from the scraps and snippets that she had learned from Lionblaze and Jayfeather's sparse mentions of the cat who once held this same place in the prophecy.

Then, of course, it turned out that Hollyleaf had never truly died, and the cat who had been reduced to legend since her departure guided Dovewing and Ivypool out from the dark tunnels that the sisters had followed the sounds of WindClan warriors into. She rejoined ThunderClan. And she befriended both the cats she'd returned with, including her replacement.

In the days between when she surfaced from the tunnels and when the Great Battle finally came down upon the clans, the two of them had talked quite a lot. About anything and everything, really-- Dovewing confided in the older warrior and Hollyleaf offered her own thoughts and confessions in exchange, and the two of them quickly found common ground. 

It was funny, really, how similar the cards they'd both been dealt were. 

There was one particular conversation she remembers well from that time in her life. She and Hollyleaf had been in a far-off corner of the territory, the WindClan border in one direction and the point they stopped putting scent markers past in the other. Given the proximity of the moors, it was sparsely forested, and the pair had found themselves sitting atop an open, grassy hillside. 

Dovewing had been able to hear the stream that marked the border flowing in the distance, but in retrospect she's not certain if it really was that close or if she'd been using her powers then. Either way, they were close enough that it must have stirred up memories for Hollyleaf one way or another. The black warrior had turned to her and hesitantly, as if she'd been debating whether or not to say it for a while now, remarked, "Brambleclaw lied for me."

"You know, when I first came back, and he said he saw what happened. He told everyone that Ashfur attacked me before I killed him. That was a lie," she had elaborated as she continued.

"Oh," Dovewing said in response, not sure how she was supposed to react. "Why, then?"

"You've probably heard stories about this part, but… there was a storm, and the lightning caught on the undergrowth and set it on fire. The part nobody except me, my brothers, and Squirrelflight and Leafpool know is that I almost died there. We got trapped and had to climb up the side of the camp wall-- Ashfur blocked our way up. We would have died because he thought it would hurt Squirrelflight… if she hadn't told him we weren't hers. He planned to tell everyone."

"I thought you were the one who announced you, Jayfeather, and Lionblaze were half-clan, though?"

"I didn't know who our parents were when I killed Ashfur. After I found out… I couldn't take the guilt of being half-clan and continuing to hide it." Hollyleaf's head was lowered, and she hadn't met Dovewing's eyes, only looking regretfully towards the grass beneath them. "It's funny, you know. Ivypool and I have plenty in common, but… you remind me of myself when I was young."

Dovewing's head tilted curiously to the side, eyes wide with interest. "I do?"

Her companion had let out a soft laugh at the question, and when Hollyleaf's eyes met hers, there was clear fondness in them. "Would I have said it if you didn't? It's true. You always want to do the right thing, you know? But you're so worried about failing or accidentally getting it wrong. I was the same way-- wanted to do nothing but follow the warrior code well."

The black molly's spiky-furred tail swished back and forth across the ground, rustling the grass, and she continued. "Killing Ashfur certainly didn't follow the code  _ or _ the right thing to do, and when I told the truth myself later on, I hurt a lot of cats, most of whom were family. But I'm here now, and I'm doing my best. You should remember that, alright, Dovewing?"

"It's okay if all you end up doing is being there and doing your best, really." Dovewing looked over to meet eyes with Hollyleaf, who had settled her tail in a position where it rested across the gray molly's side. Slowly, one black paw lightly placed itself on top of the younger warrior's.

She'd known, when she realized they were going to exist in the first place, that she wanted her kittens to grow up being given the same advice. They didn't have to put pressure on themselves to be the greatest warriors, to be special… and Dovewing didn't have to either. She could leave. She could free herself from the way that ThunderClan always seemed to feel isolating.

ShadowClan was new, and took a lot to get used to, but that was okay. It was more comfortable to feel uneasy in unfamiliar surroundings than it was to feel uneasy in familiar surroundings. Being born into ThunderClan and living life after the battle with the forests she'd grown up in feeling  _ wrong  _ all of a sudden had been stifling, suffocating. She could reassure herself, in the pine forests. It felt wrong because it was new and she wasn't used to it yet.

And, once she had gotten used to it… ShadowClan felt  _ right.  _

Cats judged her and held her at a distance at first, but they'd done that all her life in ThunderClan. At least here it was because she was a stranger rather than because they expected her to be special. Before long, they warmed up to her. Started being nicer. 

Tawnypelt had become one of her closest friends after the tortoiseshell supported her in bringing Shadowkit to consult the Tribe of Rushing Water about how they might help him with his visions. She'd been born ThunderClan, too-- she understood, and after returning from the visit to the mountains, they'd talked for a long while, sharing stories about Bramblestar and Ivypool. 

Cloverfoot was a fine deputy, but also a fine friend. She and Dovewing both played roles of advisor to Tigerstar, but beyond that, they found enough else in common to forge a friendship of their own right. Berryheart had raised her second litter alongside Dovewing's kits, offering assistance and sharing tips she'd learned from her first kit with the inexperienced queen.

She'd never quite be able to entirely stop caring about her old clanmates… but in her new clan, with Tigerstar and their kittens by her side, she felt… lighter. Dovewing was  _ happier  _ in ShadowClan, happy in a way she hadn't ever quite managed to feel for long before.

Amusingly enough, she remembered that as a young warrior she had once briefly considered joining Tigerheart's clan to be with him, then dismissed the thought because she was one of the Three, kin of Firestar's kin-- she couldn't leave! She had to be the best ThunderClan warrior she could be, or at least, that's what she told herself then. 

_ It's okay if all you end up doing is being there and doing your best.  _

This was not the destiny StarClan had wanted for her. She was not the perfect warrior, loyal to ThunderClan, that she knew they had intended for her to be. But StarClan could go jump in the lake and soak themselves for all she cared-- this was the destiny  _ she  _ wanted. 

The prophecy and her role in it had caused her so much pain throughout her life. When the Dark Forest was defeated, none of it had mattered anymore. They took away the senses that Dovewing hadn't known how to live without at first, robbed her and cheated her and expected that she would continue on miserably in her birth clan forever. 

_ Perhaps,  _ Dovewing thought defiantly,  _ it would be a blessing if StarClan never returns to us. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading my very self-indulgent little Dovewing character study!!! If you got this far and enjoyed it, I would love it if you let me know— your comments and kudos mean the world to me. 💗
> 
> find me on other social media at thistlestars on tumblr and venuspaws on twitter!


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